Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Importance of Being a Monocle

Doesn’t the title of this blog just say it all? I don’t even feel like I have to give an intro to this post but because of Law One Bazillion of Writing, Grammar and other such Strumpets, I am basically required to say something and so therefore, you might just be bored to death with my monologue that is here to fill in page space. Monocles are fantastic and would be the best thing since sliced bread, however, according to urban dictionary, I am (the best since sliced bread). Anywho, in this post I am basically pitching to you all the reasons why you should start sporting a monocle.

  •  Adds an air of distinction to the wearer-Add a monocle to you daily routine and you will immediately go from looking like this:

 to this: 

You might also randomly wake up one day and discover that you are a 19th century inventor with a handlebar mustache. Gender is not a factor in this transformation.
  • Provides a unique view of the world-a monocle gives vision through one eye and not the other. Wearing one will dis-balance your vision and make life more interesting as you run into obstacle.
  •  Allows you to get away with spiffy language- you are now allowed to say things like, “I say dear chap, is that a burr from the class of Horatio sticking to your bum?” People will look upon you with awe. But please don’t say that if you don’t have a monocle. It won’t sound good.
  • Automatically comes with a British accent- And everyone knows that British accents are sexy. And make you seem smart. So therefore wearing a monocle will give you brains and beauty. Or at least make everyone assume that you are beautiful and smart.
  • Provides a tiny plate for nachos-‘nuf said.


  1. Fantastic, M' Dear! (I just put on a fake home-made monocle just to say that)

  2. Tragedy is that "Old Spice" got rid of that guy and replaced him with a loser named Fabio. Life is tragedy. Good post though. :)