Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Post by a Partial, Prejudiced, and Slightly Put-out Young Lady

Caution: this post may cause much frustration, pulling out of hair, despair and perhaps even intense fainting spells among the gentlemen readers. And to those who have a fear of the word tolerable, reading would be cautioned as it is used quite often in this paper.

My Dear Lady Audience,
It is a truth universally acknowledged that any young lady who reads a novel by the authoress Jane Austen will be seduced by her manly gentlemanly characters, may plan their future life with said gentleman, and possibly begin mentally courting one of them. All other young men will be forgotten and perhaps even despised by their lack of Knightly like manners and character.

To my dear, although, perhaps unfortunately situated gentlemen readers:
Because of the works published by Miss Austen, you may have lost all chances of wooing the young lady in your life who you may perhaps be partial too, find most amiable, and who may be tolerably good-looking. You may not understand why young women become intolerably stupid at the mention of Mr. Knightly or Bingley, but if you have the patience and have not yet been overcome by a disagreeable disposition, then please continue to read the profiles of several of Ms. Austen’s heroes, or take the chance of losing the fair lady’s attention and affections by showing an unwillingness to listen and be influenced by the opinions of others.

  • ·         Mr. Darcy- Although he begins the story as being the last man in the world that any smart and independent women would ever find herself liable to love and marry, he grows more tolerable in the sight of Ms. Elizabeth as well as the lady reader as the story progresses. His tall, dark, and handsome figure looks splendid as he gallops  across the country by horseback, and in the cinema rendition of the story he looks like a god of the Grecian influence as he immerges from a pond (fully clothed) wet and glimmering. He is the sole heir of Pemberley and shows signs of being a good husband and brother with his loyalty and love.

  • ·         Mr. Knightly- A respected gentleman, he is known for his non-discriminating respect towards the lady-folk. He gallantly saves Ms. Harriet from her tormenting humiliation when she was slighted by the rude Mr. Elton, and was left as the only young lady not dancing at the ball. His affections towards Ms. Emma Woodhouse are honorable and true but he will not tolerate less then what he thinks his loved ones are capable of.

  • ·         Captain Wentworth- He encompasses all the virtues of the above gentlemen with two more heroic actions. He is a sea captain, handsome and weathered by the sea and he remained faithful, for many years, to a woman who rejected his profession of love. I am particularly partial to this dear man.

You may perhaps, my poor gentlemen readers, be protesting and insisting that you fall into the ranks of Mr. Knightly and other said gentlemen. Unfortunately most young ladies do not see this conduct mirrored in you and would fall (very gracefully) in love with you if you would only conduct yourselves in a more gentlemanly like manner. Will you continue to honor the ranks of villains such as Mr. Wickham and Willoughby? Or will you join the rare, mainly fictional group of heroic gentlemen? Believe me dear sirs; chivalry is not merely a thing of the past or fiction. Do not behave selfishly, and if you dare attempt to mindlessly play with a lady’s feelings, remember that you hold her honor in your hands and beware of her vulnerability for a lady can jump from admiration, to love, to matrimony in a moment because of her rapid imagination. Happily ever afters are preferable and most tolerable. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

CAUTION: Emotional Awkward Teenage Girl Post Directly Below

Dearest Darlingest Fantistical Jo Rowling,

It is hard to express in words how much I love you.  In a few hours, the final movie will come out and despite how bittersweet it is, as Ronald Weasley said, “It’s now or never, isn’t it?” As your humble fan I would do most anything to make you happy just as you have done for all of us. Desire to be the Queen of England? We will make her royal highness relinquishes the throne. (No offense your majesty but chanting “Rowling is our Queen” sounds much better).

Thank you for enlightening me along the way and being one of my most amazing teachers. I am most grateful for the lessons on Potions, for encouraging me to study hard, for teaching me what snogging* is, and for giving me the courage to befriend a ginger.

Thanks for teaching me comebacks, my favorites being, “Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all do,” and “Wait until my father hears about this.”

You, J.K. Rowling, have been the leader of something more than a silly fan club, you truly led Dumbledore’s Army, and I promise you, as a steadfast and true follower that your name will never be forgotten nor any of your books. I promise as a true member of Dumbledore’s Army I will fight for the things that are important and will always cherish your books and encourage others to read them.

Never worry about other works of fiction taking the thunder of your series away. I don’t think anything else could compare (Don’t even try to argue you sill,y sad, little Twilight minions) or reach the same height of popularity.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful talent with all of us. Your brilliant and amazing story will not be forgotten! However, despite the fact that this really isn’t a real ending, tears will be shed, and much ice cream will be consumed as soon as this letter is completed.

Love and Lumos,

A Mere Mudblood

P.S. One thing that I am wondering….Dumbledore….gay? Really now?

*If you don’t  know what snogging means, ask your mother.