Thursday, October 13, 2011


For all of you juniors in High school, the infamous PSAT is approaching, looming over us like a vat of toxic un-awesomesauce, just waiting to tip over and dump its slime and drown our little, scrawny bodies. It cackles as we whimper for help and keeps us from sleeping by attacking our thoughts telling us that if we breathe wrong, we will fail. But never fear young tadpoles! I am here to give you advice about taking the 2011 PSAT that basically will ruin the rest of your life and make you an angry fascist who is dissatisfied with how you look. Here are some simple steps for getting through it.
  • Don’t be illiterate- Do you know that you cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue? If you just checked to see if this is true, and promptly realized that I made you look rather idiotic, than congratulations, you are not illiterate and can follow basic instructions. You are two steps ahead.
  • Don’t fail-no scholarship, no college; no college, no job; no job, no love life; no love life, no family; no family, no friends; no friends, no parties; no parties mean no tacos. And you know what that means . . . 

  • Don’t Party the Night Before-Yes it is Friday and we all gotta get down on Friday, but chances are Rebecca Black never has and never will take the PSAT so what does she know? Join the rest of social outcasts and go to bed at 9:30 so as to be fully rested and look beautiful when you take the test. At least if you fail and then can’t get a real, fulfilling job you will be all set to work as a model.
  • Wear Underwear- Other than your number 2 pencils and knowing how to spell your name, this is the worst thing that you could forget. Even if you thrive by going commando, please keep yourself contained.
  • Don’t Panic-It may stand for Pain Suffering And Terror but please chill because it will not harm you . . . permanently.

Good luck tadpoles! All will be well and we will still have tacos and each other for when times get rough and the modeling career is going slow. 

P.S. Click on the picture above to get the full affect.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How to Be a Super Super Villian

Dearest Readers,

This post requires you to go back in time and read some of my past articles that I had published on Sparklife. I was making a series of these articles but alas, I never sent the editors this post and by now it is too late. However, I thought this topic might interest many of you and feed your ambitions. In order to fully apreciate the genius of my guide that oozes with awesomesauce, I first suggest that you click this THIS and then read my first two publications. Cheers!

  • Undergo a tragedy-like your superhero adversities you must live through something horribly life altering. Stick your finger into an electrical socket. Lose your pet bunny, Thumper, and become a dark unforgiving human being because of the trauma.
  • Become skilled in the arts of science and engineering- Learn how to turn a microwave into a Trans-Morphing Machine 3000. Learn how to turn a microwave into a coffee cup. Learn how to turn a microwave into a snuggie.
  • Get a face job- Skin grafts and Face paint are favorites. You don’t want to be standing on top of a building announcing your diabolic plan to the citizens of the metropolitan below and have Mrs. Gertrude recognize you as the third grader who wet their pants on the first day of school.
  • Minions- Gru had his yellow balls of walking cheese; Snow White had her seven dwarves. Get yourself some weak-minded, demonic platypuses or robotic aardvarks to help you perform the most mundane tasks.
  • Create an Evil Laugh- giggles and shy whimpering laughs will not be tolerated anymore. Cackles, snorts and cahoots work. Either have a deep roar or a laugh with the frequency of a dog whistle.
  • Choosing your name- Don’t be too original. Settle for Doctor something. It never fails.
  • Develop your sarcasm skills- Nothing gets to an aspiring do-gooder more than using your snarky cruelty to tear apart their hopes and dreams and image and making them look like fruity pansies. Pick on their fashion choice of spandex or their curly greasy fro. Sue Sylvester style.