Monday, May 16, 2011

Bieber Meets Black: A Terrifying Love Story

Hopefully it was curiosity alone and not Bieber fever that made you capable of proceeding past the title of this post. Justin Bieber; we have heard the music, seen the posters and t-shirts, and worst of all had run-ins with the fanatic fans. We believed Canada had made the worst contribution towards modern society and that nothing could surpass this. However, the United States couldn’t bear being behind in anything and went ahead and surpassed it. Enter Rebecca Black. Eighth grade girl gone viral overnight, oblivious to the fact that the world is mocking her whiny voice, and inability to speak using proper grammar.

Yes, I am very late in contributing to the trend of Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber roasting, but I stand before you today with a new dilemma. What would happen if Rebecca Black and The Biebs combined forces and together decided to rule the dark side of the music industry? As a professional Snarkist, I will lay the possibilities down before you in a completely ridiculous manner of what could happen. No my friends, our world will not be taken over by aliens, zombies or sporks but instead by The Blaeber.

My intention in writing this entry is not to spread the fever or leave you with Rebecca Black’s lyrics stuck in your head on repeat until your head pounds (sounds vaguely like Chinese water torture). The purpose is to warn you of what may be ahead in the dark foreboding future, in which our children and grandchildren will live in complete terror. Perhaps my predictions will help you be well equipped for the future.

Step One: Once Rebecca and Justin grow out of the awkward, girly, pubescent stage of boy problems, dilemmas about whether to sit in the front seat or backseat, and skinny legs they will discover each other as two lost souls writing tunes with the frequency of a dog whistle. Fate sets in. Justin whines that he just needs somebody to love and Rebecca needs someone to tell her what comes after Sunday so they tie the knot and begin making history a dark one.

Step Two: Now that there is one less lonely girl, The Bliebs will now settle in and start writing and squeaking out tunes. Eventually little whining beaver robots will become part of the Bieber/Black unit. Their family will multiply like rabbits and blossom into warbling mutant children.

Step Three: By the time the Bieber family has grown into a healthy, normal, American family we realize that it is FRIDAY FRIDAY! GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY! … um  we realize that they are all ready to roam away from the pen like cows and share their sour milk. They will infiltrate the music business scene with hits such as “One Less Lonely Worm” and “I Need You Like Flies Need Moldy Cheese”.

Step Four: Brain damage. As most of the present generation have caught either The Biebs or the Black bug and have been reduced to slobbering raving panting jungle beasts, the next generation will not be well equipped with the tools to resist the repetitious and whining powers of the combination of our generation’s productions of the galaxies worst screeching chipmunks. As a result literacy will go down and whining will go up. Delinquent thirteen year olds will become a trend as they drive around in convertibles and date older women.

Step 5: Begin Cycle again with the Blaeber’s children as the infiltrators and your grandchildren as the helpless victims.

I hope my account hasn’t left you overly frightened or scared for the future of your yet to be loved ones, but I hope you understand that this is simply a very possible outcome that can be avoided by the purchase of ear buds, rotten fruit, and by supporting real artists and musicians who The Biebs and Black should be making cookies for. It brought me no pleasure to type out the names of the two most highly ridiculed singers, but my hope is that we can work at making a better tomorrow today.

1 comment:

  1. EXACTLY! I hate the song with vigor!! Now that we are confident Rebecca Black knows her days of the week I'll be intrested to see what she comes out with next! The poor girl need to get a life if her biggest problem is that she can't decide if she should sit in the front or back... music today ;)