A Post by a Partial, Prejudiced, and Slightly Put-out Young Lady

Caution: this post may cause much frustration, pulling out of hair, despair and perhaps even intense fainting spells among the gentlemen readers. And to those who have a fear of the word tolerable, reading would be cautioned as it is used quite often in this paper.

My Dear Lady Audience,

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any young lady who reads a novel by the authoress Jane Austen will be seduced by her manly gentlemanly characters, may plan their future life with said gentleman, and possibly begin mentally courting one of them. All other young men will be forgotten and perhaps even despised by their lack of Knightly like manners and character.

To my dear, although, perhaps unfortunately situated gentlemen readers:

Because of the works published by Miss Austen, you may have lost all chances of wooing the young lady in your life who you may perhaps be partial too, find most amiable, and who may be tolerably good-looking. You may not understand why young women become intolerably stupid at the mention of Mr. Knightly or Bingley, but if you have the patience and have not yet been overcome by a disagreeable disposition, then please continue to read the profiles of several of Ms. Austen’s heroes, or take the chance of losing the fair lady’s attention and affections by showing an unwillingness to listen and be influenced by the opinions of others.

• ·         Mr. Darcy- Although he begins the story as being the last man in the world that any smart and independent women would ever find herself liable to love and marry, he grows more tolerable in the sight of Ms. Elizabeth as well as the lady reader as the story progresses. His tall, dark, and handsome figure looks splendid as he gallops  across the country by horseback, and in the cinema rendition of the story he looks like a god of the Grecian influence as he immerges from a pond (fully clothed) wet and glimmering. He is the sole heir of Pemberley and shows signs of being a good husband and brother with his loyalty and love.

• ·         Mr. Knightly- A respected gentleman, he is known for his non-discriminating respect towards the lady-folk. He gallantly saves Ms. Harriet from her tormenting humiliation when she was slighted by the rude Mr. Elton, and was left as the only young lady not dancing at the ball. His affections towards Ms. Emma Woodhouse are honorable and true but he will not tolerate less then what he thinks his loved ones are capable of.

• ·         Captain Wentworth- He encompasses all the virtues of the above gentlemen with two more heroic actions. He is a sea captain, handsome and weathered by the sea and he remained faithful, for many years, to a woman who rejected his profession of love. I am particularly partial to this dear man.

You may perhaps, my poor gentlemen readers, be protesting and insisting that you fall into the ranks of Mr. Knightly and other said gentlemen. Unfortunately most young ladies do not see this conduct mirrored in you and would fall (very gracefully) in love with you if you would only conduct yourselves in a more gentlemanly like manner. Will you continue to honor the ranks of villains such as Mr. Wickham and Willoughby? Or will you join the rare, mainly fictional group of heroic gentlemen? Believe me dear sirs; chivalry is not merely a thing of the past or fiction. Do not behave selfishly, and if you dare attempt to mindlessly play with a lady’s feelings, remember that you hold her honor in your hands and beware of her vulnerability for a lady can jump from admiration, to love, to matrimony in a moment because of her rapid imagination. Happily ever afters are preferable and most tolerable. 

CAUTION: Emotional Awkward Teenage Girl Post Directly Below

Dearest Darlingest Fantistical Jo Rowling,

It is hard to express in words how much I love you.  In a few hours, the final movie will come out and despite how bittersweet it is, as Ronald Weasley said, “It’s now or never, isn’t it?” As your humble fan I would do most anything to make you happy just as you have done for all of us. Desire to be the Queen of England? We will make her royal highness relinquishes the throne. (No offense your majesty but chanting “Rowling is our Queen” sounds much better).

Thank you for enlightening me along the way and being one of my most amazing teachers. I am most grateful for the lessons on Potions, for encouraging me to study hard, for teaching me what snogging* is, and for giving me the courage to befriend a ginger.

Thanks for teaching me comebacks, my favorites being, “Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all do,” and “Wait until my father hears about this.”

You, J.K. Rowling, have been the leader of something more than a silly fan club, you truly led Dumbledore’s Army, and I promise you, as a steadfast and true follower that your name will never be forgotten nor any of your books. I promise as a true member of Dumbledore’s Army I will fight for the things that are important and will always cherish your books and encourage others to read them.

Never worry about other works of fiction taking the thunder of your series away. I don’t think anything else could compare (Don’t even try to argue you sill,y sad, little Twilight minions) or reach the same height of popularity.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful talent with all of us. Your brilliant and amazing story will not be forgotten! However, despite the fact that this really isn’t a real ending, tears will be shed, and much ice cream will be consumed as soon as this letter is completed.

Love and Lumos,

A Mere Mudblood

P.S. One thing that I am wondering….Dumbledore….gay? Really now?

*If you don’t  know what snogging means, ask your mother.

I Survived Judgement Day 2011. Can You Say the Same?

Happy Monday everyone!  Just in case you have not been following the news; on Saturday, May 21, 2011, Jesus came, he saved, and very few were taken up to heaven. The rest of us will go through five months of pain and persecution until October 21^st when the end of the world will truly come. Basically, if you are reading this, you are one of the many who got left behind and are now doomed. But never fear my fellow neglects! Console yourself by purchasing some Judgment Day merchandise:

Don’t be too disappointed in God’s choice to leave you behind. Cheers!

Daily Nugget

If a cat always lands on its feet and toast always lands butterside down, what happens if you butter the top side of a toasted cat?

P.S. This is not a joke and the picture is not part of a punchline. (I just liked the picture and the post would be semi-lame without one).This is a legit question so please leave your thoughts about "The Daily Nugget" in the comments!

P.P.S. I added a new page. Its name takes up half the top. Let me know what you think!

Bieber Meets Black: A Terrifying Love Story

Hopefully it was curiosity alone and not Bieber fever that made you capable of proceeding past the title of this post. Justin Bieber; we have heard the music, seen the posters and t-shirts, and worst of all had run-ins with the fanatic fans. We believed Canada had made the worst contribution towards modern society and that nothing could surpass this. However, the United States couldn’t bear being behind in anything and went ahead and surpassed it. Enter Rebecca Black. Eighth grade girl gone viral overnight, oblivious to the fact that the world is mocking her whiny voice, and inability to speak using proper grammar.

Yes, I am very late in contributing to the trend of Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber roasting, but I stand before you today with a new dilemma. What would happen if Rebecca Black and The Biebs combined forces and together decided to rule the dark side of the music industry? As a professional Snarkist, I will lay the possibilities down before you in a completely ridiculous manner of what could happen. No my friends, our world will not be taken over by aliens, zombies or sporks but instead by The Blaeber.

My intention in writing this entry is not to spread the fever or leave you with Rebecca Black’s lyrics stuck in your head on repeat until your head pounds (sounds vaguely like Chinese water torture). The purpose is to warn you of what may be ahead in the dark foreboding future, in which our children and grandchildren will live in complete terror. Perhaps my predictions will help you be well equipped for the future.

Step One: Once Rebecca and Justin grow out of the awkward, girly, pubescent stage of boy problems, dilemmas about whether to sit in the front seat or backseat, and skinny legs they will discover each other as two lost souls writing tunes with the frequency of a dog whistle. Fate sets in. Justin whines that he just needs somebody to love and Rebecca needs someone to tell her what comes after Sunday so they tie the knot and begin making history a dark one.

Step Two: Now that there is one less lonely girl, The Bliebs will now settle in and start writing and squeaking out tunes. Eventually little whining beaver robots will become part of the Bieber/Black unit. Their family will multiply like rabbits and blossom into warbling mutant children.

Step Three: By the time the Bieber family has grown into a healthy, normal, American family we realize that it is FRIDAY FRIDAY! GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY! … um  we realize that they are all ready to roam away from the pen like cows and share their sour milk. They will infiltrate the music business scene with hits such as “One Less Lonely Worm” and “I Need You Like Flies Need Moldy Cheese”.

Step Four: Brain damage. As most of the present generation have caught either The Biebs or the Black bug and have been reduced to slobbering raving panting jungle beasts, the next generation will not be well equipped with the tools to resist the repetitious and whining powers of the combination of our generation’s productions of the galaxies worst screeching chipmunks. As a result literacy will go down and whining will go up. Delinquent thirteen year olds will become a trend as they drive around in convertibles and date older women.

Step 5: Begin Cycle again with the Blaeber’s children as the infiltrators and your grandchildren as the helpless victims.

I hope my account hasn’t left you overly frightened or scared for the future of your yet to be loved ones, but I hope you understand that this is simply a very possible outcome that can be avoided by the purchase of ear buds, rotten fruit, and by supporting real artists and musicians who The Biebs and Black should be making cookies for. It brought me no pleasure to type out the names of the two most highly ridiculed singers, but my hope is that we can work at making a better tomorrow today.

The Scarlet Pimpernel and Poetry

Well, assuming that people actually read this, I must apologize for not having written anything other than the intro so far. Saturday the 7^th was the closing night for a musical that I was in, The Scarlet Pimpernel. It is a bittersweet ending. I am leaving behind a year of sweat, blood, tears, chocolate and the rare sight of guys dancing like ballerinas. Oh how I will miss it. The sweet part of that is that I finally have time, which is something that I have been longing for all school year. However, now that time has been given to me, I don’t know what to do with it and my creative inspiration is dwindling.

Now I am going to be randomly ADD and switch topics on you suddenly. I took a poetry class this year. And while my teacher was amazing, I have come to the conclusion that I hate poetry and I don’t understand it. As my final assignment in the class I was asked to write a Shakespearean Sonnet. I could have rebelled and written one about how much I dislike poetry but I decided to attempt to achieving goodness and write one about something I that has been much in my thoughts the last 9 months: The Scarlet Pimpernel. So without further ado, an original sonnet by Gabriella Patti. Presenting, “The Scarlet Pimpernel.”

Welcome to the masquerade my fluty friend

Dance among the waves of fans and fops

Dance around the blackened man and fiend

Hop and flirt until the music promptly stops

No longer will the truth be told

The spoiled jewel has betrayed thy goal

Now condemned, he must keep himself un-bold

Joy on the outside but inside, a tormented soul

Betrayed and confused, broken and hurting

mysterious love now broken by a

Slice! Blackened secrets cover red longing

And once happy loves have nothing to say

But, perhaps time can be unwound; slowly

and reveal  to us a love less lowly.

P.S. This post is supposed to be serious. I just thought that you should know.

Welcome!

Greetings! Welcome to my blog. You may be mildly confused and may presently have been reduced to the status of a monkey as you sit there scratching your head wondering what in the world my blog must be about. First of all, stop that. Everyone knows that scratching your head doesn’t do a darn thing other than successfully make you look like an idiot or an ape man. So what does “teaching the pig to sing” mean? Could this be a guide to conducting choral numbers for farm animals? Could the pig stand for something hardcore and controversial like communism? Well keep your trousers on and I will tell you. It doesn’t mean a smidgen of a thing. No really, it doesn’t. It is based off of a quote that I love that goes something like, “Don’t try to teach a pig how to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” For those of you who like deeper meanings and cannot be simply satisfied with the truth, this is what the deeper meaning would be if there were a deeper meaning. Basically this: teaching a pig how to sing is crazy. What crazy person would attempt to teach a pig to sing? Well, then I got to thinking, a dangerous hobby of mine, and I realized that teaching a pig how to sing sounds like something that I would do; absolutely insane, random, and gives people leave to look like an inquisitive ape for a few minutes. I believe that my writing can be compared to teaching a pig how to sing: it is spontaneous, random, and often times a little kooky. However, despite the insanity behind it, my hope is that it will make you giggle and chortle in a silly manner. Occasionally I might surprise you by trying my hand at writing something serious but mostly I am going to attempt to write in such a way that I will make even the manliest of men snort and giggle like a little girl. Cheerio!